Friday, April 17, 2015

So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.

It feels like the top half of my spine is attempting to part company with the rest of my body.

The doctors I have visited cannot agree on a diagnosis. One said probably a pinched nerve, the other said maybe muscle spasms. They sent me for x-rays of my neck only, which did not hurt at the time.

These people apparently completed eight years of college.

I lost respect for the first doctor the moment she whipped out the pain scale.

Like are you f**king serious.

Hyperbole and a Half did a much better pain scale, but even with hers I have trouble pinning a number on pain, which is probably why broken limbs have been ignored in the past and I don't notice when I sustain second degree burns whilst cooking.

I have no idea when that happened. I did not notice it until it went all scabby and itchy; all I know is that it is definitely a burn, and that my old doctor may definitely have been correct in his theory that I have some kind of neurological problem. 
My pain scale is more like binary code--there are only two options, 0 and 1.

The back pain went away not long after it got extremely severe, but then it came back in full force yesterday. I shall continue to abuse the muscle relaxers the first doctor gave me until it goes away again. I never filled the prescription for steroids because the side effects make me nervous, and I lost the prescription for physical therapy. I think I'll just go to M.'s shady Chinese masseuse instead.


I have acquired an upright bass. I can't really do anything with it until my friend's husband takes it apart to flip the strings (I'm left handed and as as I already play the bass guitar left handed, I am too dyslexic to learn it right handed), but I've been putzing around with it and holy hand grenades is that thing difficult to play. I didn't pay a lot of money for it though (pretty sure it fell off the back of a truck to be honest), so if I never get very good at it I'm not really concerned.

Lil Bro#2 has decided he would like to master the harmonica (Sam Lupin, you'll appreciate this) and so he has purchased a harmonica and plays it [badly] pretty much non-stop. It's kind of hilarious; wherever you go in Dad's house, if Lil Bro#2 is home, you can hear the faint sounds of the harmonica just playing random notes. He's sort of figured out the beginning of the William Tell Overture [by accident], so hopefully he will get good at it before Stepmom steals it and casts it into the fire.

One of our Russian mobster clients came in today wearing one of these:

It is worth approximately $70,000.00, and can only be repaired in Switzerland.