Thursday, November 19, 2015

I'm Going to Complain Now, Episode 65

I'm sure this may come as a shock, but I'm going to complain now. 

I guess this is sort of a continuation of that post I did about my weird pet peeves.

Know what I really really hate, like more than anything else that involves driving?

Supermarket parking lots.

People misbehaving in the grocery store is bad enough, but I think all of mankind's worst attributes come out in the grocery store parking lot.

1. People taking up three parking spaces because they're too lazy to back up and straighten themselves out.

2. People leaving shopping carts in the middle of parking spaces instead of taking the extra 20 seconds to bring it back to the shopping cart return thingy.

3. People letting their shopping carts run away and crash into other people's cars.

4. People not stopping and looking before flooring it out of their parking spaces.

5. Other people getting pissed off and honking their horns when you're very slowly and carefully backing out of your space because there are cars beside you and you have not yet acquired the ability to see through solid objects.

6. People on foot darting out from behind parked cars without looking, and then giving you dirty looks when you have to slam on your brakes to avoid hitting them.

7. Seagulls. The ocean is very far away. Where did you come from? Why are you here? And why do you all hate me?

There are certain supermarkets I at which I will not shop because I really hate their parking lots. Unlike most Americans, I will not circle the parking lot searching for the space closest to the door, and I will not stalk people who look like they are about to leave so that I can park closer to the door.

I park as far away from other cars and people as possible.

So that was my lunch break. Now on to more things that I hate:

People who never shut up.

You might be a really nice person. You might be an awesome person to hang out with.


If you're the sort of person who cannot handle silence and/or has no inner monologue and so must speak every single thought in your head out loud, we can't be friends. I'm sorry, that's just the way it has to be.

In an unfortunate twist of fate (or perhaps God just trying to see how far he can push my patience and anger management) there are two people in my life who just cannot shut up, and they are people from whom I cannot escape: Bosslady, and my mother.

There have been times where I thought there was someone else in the house, or someone else in the office because Bosslady and Mumsy were talking as though having a conversation with another person. I know it's not their fault; it's just their personalities. But the longer they keep talking, the more annoyed I get. The result of this is that when I reach my breaking point, I sound mad without meaning to when I talk to them, which leads to confusion (and in the case of Mumsy, fights for no reason). And then I feel bad afterwards.

I don't know which of the two of them is worse. Mumsy tends to fly off the handle even when I don't think I sound pissed off, and then she throws a tantrum.

Bosslady, on top of never shutting up, has that particular Yankee accent where almost every sentence she speaks sounds like a question, and a lot of the time she has a very condescending tone that I don't think is intentional. And both of them tend to repeat themselves over and over and over and over and over and over to a ridiculous degree, and that's another thing that annoys me.

It took me years to figure out why I spend so much time feeling really angry for no apparent reason. Praise the Lord for Zoloft.

How are all y'all doing?

Thursday, November 12, 2015

The Seven Types of Clients in Every Law Firm

For all of you who work with the general public: ever notice that you meet the same handful of personalities over and over and over again?

At work, we only have seven different types of clients:

The Continuously Whining Manbaby

There are certain types of people you can only listen to for so long before you explode.

The Whining Manbaby is one of them. I have seen so many of these guys come through the office over the years it makes me nauseous. They're all the same--they have plenty of money, but they refuse to pay us and/or the people they owe money to (like their Destitute Ex-Wives and children, but I'll get to that), they are rude, selfish, lazy, entitled pieces of sh*t and it's enough to drive me up the freaking wall.

Someone else who needs to just shut the f*ck up?

The Raging Harpy

What's that phrase? Hell hath no fury like the woman who seriously needs to just let it go and move on?

We have two clients at the moment who owe us tens of thousands of dollars because they won't let it go. Divorces that should have ended over a year ago are being litigated to death because they can't let it go. I get it, I really do--their husbands are lying, cheating, Whining Manbabies who probably deserve it, but there comes a point in life where you cut your losses and move on instead dragging both you and your innocent children through the mud.

The Destitute Single Mother with the Deadbeat Ex-Husband

These are the non-Raging Harpy women who were once married to Whining Manbabies. They have to work three jobs to support their children because their husbands would rather go around setting up franchises with new younger women than pay child support. We do a lot of free legal work for these women and ignore their mounting bills because we know they cannot afford to pay us what they actually owe.

The Nice Guy Who Couldn't Make a Wise Decision Even if Held at Gunpoint

Guys, I really don't understand how you can't spot the psychos. I can spot these women before they even speak.

The nice guys who come into our office all have one thing in common--absolutely horrific taste in women. Women who are actively destroying their lives for no other than they are batsh*t crazy. These guys are actually decent dads who want to take care of their children, and half the time their Raging Harpy soon-to-be-ex is using the children against them, or not letting them see their children at all.

And what do these guys do when the divorce is finally over and done? They go marry another psychopath.

People Who Must Have Broken a Lot of Mirrors

We have a bunch of clients who just can't stop having bad accidents. (And they end up completely broke because health insurance companies are awful.) Car accidents, slipping and falling in supermarkets, falling down stairs, getting bitten by dogs, getting assaulted by random crazy people in public places--I don't know how they do it, but they make us quite a bit of money, so I shan't complain.

Normal People (a.k.a., Criminals)

Drug dealers, gang members, hitmen, the Russian mafia--know what they all have in common? They're extremely pleasant. The are polite, they do not complain about their bills or the job we are doing (even when they have to go to jail), they are not psychos, they are not whiners; they are just nice to be around. I wish we dealt exclusively with criminal cases, but alas there is not much serious crime in Bergen County, and frequenting the Passaic and Essex County courts has the tendency to shorten one's life span.

General Morons

You know what's not a good idea? Driving past a cop going 60 miles per hour in a 25 MPH zone while on your cell phone, with ten bags of heroin on your passenger seat.

Pretending to be a realtor so you can break into people's houses and steal their identity.

CONSTANTLY driving around in a town where every single cop knows you and your car when your license is suspended.

Taking way too much angel dust and then peeing in your neighbour's garden, in full view of said neighbour.

I could go on, but you get the idea.