Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Job appreciation sort of

In honour of Thanksgiving, I thought I would do a Boss Appreciation Post.

I complained about Bossman quite a bit over the years (especially in the beginning when he was mean, before I had him trained). Now, though, I find that I actually do enjoy my job. It's not my dream job or anything, but I do like it.

With all the psycho and/or deadbeat divorce clients, whiny litigation manbabies, teenagers doing wildly illegal things in full view of the police, and the Russian Mafia, our office is a fecking circus. 

So in honour of Bossman, here is a "best of" compilation of all the spectacular things he has said over the years (mostly overheard phone convos), in case you missed any on Facebook:

"As your attorney, I advise you to GET A F**KING JOB."

"I have to go to my mom's around noon and pill her up."

"Oh look, they sent us free pens for our whorehouse."

"I have to run out for a few minutes; I need to go get a new set of balls."

"We got a fax from that moron hippie social worker."

"I'm going to club him like a seal on Friday, right after I knock the smurf out of your husband."

To me: "Well maybe YOU can survive without the A/C on, but I'm a Jew. We tend not to like ovens.

"That's actually going to help him become a better white supremacist."

"Just DON'T DO ANYTHING because when you do things, you f**k everything up!"

To his fiance, Bosslady: "I don't want to make a decision about the Christmas tree; I'm a F*CKING JEW."

To me: "I'm going to the doctor to get some more codeine cough syrup. We're doing shots of it later."

__________________________________________________
Bossman: [[very serious tone]] "I need you to come into my office."

Me: [[terrified I'm about to get fired.]]

Bossman: "Sit down, this is very important."

Me: [[sits]]

Bossman proceeds to make me watch this video:




___________________________________________________

"Oh Allstate says we can appeal? I'll tell you exactly what my appeal will be - A F*CKING LAWSUIT"

________________________________________
Me: "Why does he have a new phone number every week??"

Boss: "Because he's a drug dealer."


That same drug dealer resulted in this bill getting faxed to us after his overnight in jail:
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW
________________________________________

Bossman: (on the phone" "Yeah I've become sort of a bullying expert."
[We've had a grand total of one bullying case.]

"Obviously he can go f*ck himself, and I'm going to send him a letter confirming that."
(^my all time fav)

____________________________________________
Me: "I'm gonna need you to find somewhere to go Thursday night so me and my cats can stay your house until my mother moves into her condo."

Boss: "....Ok, sure."

_____________________________________________

One from Bosslady:

"I just touched her boobs. They're new."

Some from Me (mostly from facebook):

My boss asked if he could borrow a scissor, so I gave him half of the scissors and now he's mad.

We've reached the point with one of our clients where if you say his name out loud 3 times, everyone in a two-mile radius gets sued for malpractice.
(that was the client to whom we successfully sent a letter quoting Darth Vader)



I don't get people who treat a law office like a cheap salon. Like seriously unless you are in the Russian mafia, walk-ins are not welcome. You need an appointment.

I love how our professional private investigator claims they couldn't locate someone who I managed to locate on the internet in less than a minute.

______________________________________________________
Me: "I didn't know what you wanted for your birthday, so I got you some fava beans and a nice Chianti." ::manic smile::

Boss: "You scare me sometimes."

______________________________________________________

From others:

Bergen County Asst. Prosecutor: "Yeah I just wanted to call and tell you your client is a lying sack of sh*t."
This was followed by maniacal laughter, and then she hung up.

__________________________________________________________
Client (to his friend) - "He's dating a porn star."


Friend - ::laughs like a total lunatic for a solid 90 seconds and then starts choking::


Boss: "I guess you don't have a problem with that then"

__________________________________________________________

The Russian Mafia:

Boss: "So one of my Russian mob guys came home from Russia yesterday and found a divorce complaint on his kitchen table. .....Yeah she's smart; no one knows where she is."

Me: a member of the Russian mafia just showed up at the office wearing a pink checkered shirt and orange crocs

______________________________________________________________
Russian: [holds up his $1,200 Prada briefcase] "Can I leave this in your office? I can't take it on the plane."

Bossman: "....Sure ok."


[[5 minutes after he left, we peeked in the briefcase. It is full of cash.]]

__________________________________________________________

Russian mafia quote of the year: "As far as they know, I haven't killed anyone."




Happy Thanksgiving y'all!!! THE BOOKS ARE ALL FREE ON KINDLE FOR BLACK FRIDAY


Tuesday, November 4, 2014

a small update, and some other things...

Hello all, I hope everyone is enjoying autumn (or spring, if you're on the other side). 

A friend has convinced me to join her in Trades of Hope. It's a really great organization--they help women who have been rescued out of human trafficking, or whose families were starving and in poverty and they give these women jobs. It's not charity, but instead it's giving people opportunities to get themselves out of bad situations. 

The artisans make their jewelry or scarves or ornaments and name their price, and Trades of Hope pays them, and then catalogs the items for us to sell.

Normally I wouldn't go around advertising and trying to sell stuff like this, but it is for a really good cause. And since packing up my belongings and setting off on a missions trip to the other side of the world is unfortunately not practical for me right now, this is a good alternative.

Also they have some REALLY REALLY nice jewelry. Like this pearl bracelet I bought:

(Please excuse the redness of my hand, I am once again running a fever.)

If anyone is interested, here is my web store:
 www.mytradesofhope.com/aislingbrooker 

I'm still extremely new at this, but hoping to plan an online "party" soon, so if anyone would be up for joining that, let me know! And of course, I'd be more than happy to answer questions. CHRISTMAS IS COMING people, and everyone you know needs nice accessories.




In other news, my wisdom tooth issue is currently on pause. Since my insurance will not cover its removal unless it is an *emergency*, I am forced to ignore it until it is an actual emergency. I am also now ill with some new infection, with yet another fever. I give up.


Thursday, October 16, 2014

the one about the boobs

Everyone loves big boobs. What's not to love?

LOTS AND LOTS OF THINGS.

When I put on weight, it goes straight to my chest and hips. I'm not complaining mind you; there are worse places the weight could go. But it can still be a pain in the arse.

Navigating stairs first thing in the morning requires both hands on your chest. You will not know true pain until you run down the stairs and forget to hold on to your boobs.

My underwear supply contains three different bra sizes, because the slightest fluctuation in weight can send me from a C to a D. Even then, the bras rarely fit right. The cups might be larger, but in reality the bra is simply not designed to hold that much boob. Thus you end up with what my friends and I call the "two not four" problem, where the top of your bra cuts your boobs in half.



The fashion industry does not cater to large-breasted women, unless you really enjoy going around dressed like you work the red light district. Every top I own was carefully selected because finding a fitted shirt with enough room in the chest that my cleavage is not popping out of the shirt is nearly impossible. Most shirts that are not low-cut leave me feeling like I'm wearing a boa constrictor.



And button down shirts? Forget it. If you have big boobs, you can never wear those. That was lots of fun in Catholic school. Especially when I was 12 and the only girl in class with boobs.



Also whoever invented the cami with the built-in bra should be PUNCHED IN THE FACE.



They wouldn't bother me so much if there were more non-built-in-bra camis, but seriously no matter what store I go into, EVERY MOTHEREFFING CAMI HAS A BUILT IN BRA. Most of the time I end up just buying them and then cutting the bra out when I get home.

Another trend that REALLY REALLY NEEDS TO STOP is the dress worn by every single effing bridesmaid ever since the late 1990's. I don't care what anyone says, I've seen at least 50 different weddings on facebook alone and in all of them, the bridesmaids are all wearing the exact same dress. The only thing that changes from wedding to wedding is the colour.

First of all, these shapeless strapless bridesmaids dresses are awful in general.

Secondly, I cannot think of a meaner, crueler thing to do than to ask your big-tittied best friend to wear a STRAPLESS dress in your wedding.

None of those "strapless bras" or those weird squishy stick-on bras actually work if you have big boobs. None of them. Ever. Large-breasted women simply cannot comfortably wear strapless dresses, unless you are strapped into that thing with an 18th century whale bone corset.



You know what's really awkward? People who like giving really tight hugs. I usually go into hugs in a sort of forward arch that probably makes me look like a vulture.


But you can't maintain that position with someone who drags you into a really tight hug. Then comes that awkward moment when your boobs are pressed against someone who is not your significant other.

 .  .  .

On the positive side, you'd be amazed how many things I can conceal in my bra.



That really comes in handy at concerts.