Friday, July 24, 2015

Conversations from Warwick Assembly of God Youth Group:

Lil Bro#1[he has taken over youth group for the summer]: ::some basic advice on peer pressure:: "Yeah so basically don't feel like you need to do something you shouldn't do just because other people are doing it. Like just because the cool rebel kids like my sister seem really awesome, that doesn't mean you should go around setting fire to things."

Kid: "What?" ::to me:: "You set fire to stuff?!?"

Mich: "We set fire to everything. We were very bad."

All the Kids: "THAT'S SO COOL."

Lil Bro#1: -___________-

Things are not much improved in general, but this week I have been too exhausted to care. VBS (Jesus freak bible camp) started on Sunday evening, so every day after work I've spent several hours attempting to control 6 extremely hyperactive 8-10 year old boys. 

Four of them, actually sitting down quietly for nearly a full minute. I do not know where they got the Piglet hat.

On Tuesday, they rioted over bubbles. I was very proud. 

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

you’re gonna drive yourself crazy, and you know that it’s true; it’s just making you wild and blue

[Trigger warning for this post, as I'm waffling about depression and ED stuffs.]

Since moving back in with my mother nearly a year ago after the whole debacle with my hobbit hole, my mental state has gradually slipped from general depression to critical depression. I try not to blather on about it too much here because hey it's depressing, but at the same time I don't really have that many people with whom to talk about it.

My brain has but one coping mechanism for severe depression--ED relapse. And I've set things up nicely so that said relapse can go mostly unnoticed. Friends and family know I don't eat many carbs, so it's been easy cutting them down further. I have cream in my coffee in the morning, half a slice of Ezekiel bread with the Lexapro (because otherwise I feel really sick for the rest of the day), and usually chicken or steak for dinner, and half a bottle of beer. No more side of sauteed veggies. No more juice before bed. No more snacks during the day.

Still no weighing or measuring--I have no idea how much I weigh or what I look like. When I need to look in the mirror to do my makeup or hair, I try to only look at my face, never at my body. Because obviously it's too fat.

I started having food/bingeing dreams again. I haven't had one of those in years.

I've been a week on the antidepressants and the dosage goes up tomorrow. There's been no noticeable change in my mood yet except now instead of sleeping until 4 or 5ish in the morning, I wake up every couple hours all night. But then again that could be attributed to not eating enough.

To be honest, I don't know how much the pills will help. They don't change the situation. I still can't afford to move out. The cost of living where I do is still $20,000 more per year than I make. I still can't afford to go back to school. I'm still stuck in a job that will never take me anywhere, and I'm not qualified to do anything else.

And then there's the other thing that is currently burning me up from the inside out. can'teatcan'tsleep.

....never mind, I can't talk about that even here. It's nothing that can be changed or helped anyway. Constant reminders of everything I will never have!

Big Sis#1 and my nieces and nephew arrive Saturday. I'm hoping their three weeks here will be a bit of a distraction from the icky place in my head. Unfortunately, their being here means I cannot spend weekends at dad's anymore (I can't take it here, so I flee from NJ on Fridays) as there will be no room.

>:( I feel like someone just needs to take me out back and shoot me